Aug 25 2009
Lair today, I’m gone tomorrow
Wouldn’t it be groovy to have a secret lair?
All fans of the early James Bond movies have an instant mental picture of a lair: The villain’s ultra-cool headquarters, outfitted with futuristic gadgetry and completely hidden from the rest of the world. Tucked away in his impenetrable lair, the villain hatches plots in sleekly modern comfort, enjoying wall-sized aquariums and artificial jungle rivers filled with pet piranhas.
Lairs are not the sole province of the villain—the Shadow has one, as does Batman and the Phantom. So, it would be OK for you and me (the good guys) to have a lair. We wouldn’t have to join SPECTRE, or unleash our inner megalomaniac or anything like that.
What is the allure of a lair? Well, the world is noisy and crowded, isn’t it? Shutting ourselves away from it, retreating into a hidden sanctuary, seems like a sane reaction to me. We already build cyber-lairs for ourselves. We submerge ourselves in our iPods and iPhones that we have personalized into private universes via Our Music, Our Photos and Our Ringtones. Our Contacts are our army of loyal minions. And what is Facebook but a virtual lair, complete with walls? It only remains for us to enclose our physical selves behind titanium shielding and install the cloaking technology.
You need a lot of room in a lair. In addition to the miles of underground tunnels, corridors of laboratories, and an internal railway system with round cars, you might have to accommodate missile silos or a rocket launch pad. You’ll also need space to tinker with high-powered lasers, and lay out little projects such as a scale model of Fort Knox that rises from the conference room floor.
Plus, lairs are where you go to regroup, unwind, and just plain think, and a person needs lots of elbow room for that. Lairs are therefore vast and cavernous, and in fact most are miles underground or fathoms beneath the ocean surface, where there are no boundaries.
You could follow Superman’s example and build your inaccessible Fortress of Solitude in a frozen wasteland. Another terrific location for a lair is a dormant volcano, such as the Japanese one refurbished by Bond villain Ernst Blofeld. You could also excavate beneath your mansion unless, like Bruce Wayne, you are lucky enough to live above a system of deep caves. The idea is to ensure that private use of so much real estate will go undetected.
Another popular choice is the smaller, more intimate lair. The key here is disguise. For instance, the Shadow hides his beautiful, book-filled Sanctum behind a brick wall in an alley. If you have the ability to cloud men’s minds, another alternative is to render your entire building invisible. (According to Douglas Adams, another cloaking method involves creating a Somebody Else’s Problem field around the thing that you want people to ignore.)
Anywhere will do, really. You just need a little imagination. And maybe a degree in mechanical engineering. An obscenely large personal fortune wouldn’t hurt, either.
I suspect the movie villain’s lair is behind the recent trend for “man caves.” Bat cave, man cave, not such a giant leap for mankind. It’s just more grownup to say, “I need space to lay out my tools and restore my 1965 Pontiac Goat,” than to say, “I want a secret hideaway where I can play with cool toys.”
Of course, keeping a lair sparkling clean and operating at peak efficiency takes time and effort. You won’t want to be bothered with this yourself. You’ll be far too busy plotting schemes and spying on the outside world via drop-down monitors. This is why you will need minions.
I am already advertising for good help, in the form of wearing a T-shirt that reads, “What I Really Need Are Minions.” No one has volunteered yet. In fact, the only inquiries I’ve gotten so far are, “What are minions?” This question always surprises me, because villains sometimes get more screen time than heroes, and where there are villains there are always minions.
Minions can be comical—remember Lex Luthor’s two doltish assistants in 1978’s “Superman”? The Joker in “Batman, the Animated Series” has menacing minions, but please note that Harley is not a minion, she’s a sidekick.
Minions don’t get to play even minor supporting roles in The Master Plan. They are the background go-fers who feed the piranhas and oil the machinery. Tip: Don’t become too fond of your bodyguard minions. They are as short-lived as “Star Trek” Red Shirts.
But you and I are not villains, so our minions would not be cannon fodder. Our minions would be engineers, chefs, computer wizards, and superbly trained butlers. Our minion cadre would be happy, perhaps even to the point of singing, like the Oompah-Loompahs.
I’m getting ahead of myself, though. I don’t have my lair yet. (Of course, that’s what I would say.) I have been dreaming about it, though. The frozen wasteland is out, but I’ll definitely go the Vast, Cavernous Lair route. That way I’ll have enough space for the cozy, lamp-lit Sanctum as well as a full-sized Art Deco movie theater. Oh, yeah, and I have to fit in one of those LeMans electric car tracks, like the one at Busch Gardens Williamsburg.
Personally, I think a lair is well worth my investment. To quote Blofeld, “You only live twice.”